welcome to hormone hell
by Marnopoly
Summary: written for a great pairing called blackice, a semi-serious idea written under the guidance of a friend whose encouragement made this possible. slight oc involvement but not really all that much. ( frequently mentioned problems below the belt )


so basically pitch is mad and he's like "wow okay time for plan 1,000,000,001"  
>and he inhabits a baby and he's "okay foolproof plan nothing can go wrong"<br>guess what IT'S A GIRL CONGRATS welcome to shadow hell, Phoebe  
>alright so phoebe is like "well shit okay I can make this work"<br>except cONFLICTED FEELINGS WHAT IS THIS?  
>it's a cHILDHOOD HOLY CRAP WARM FUZZY FEELINGS OF FAMILY WARMTH<br>cue sobbing in dark corners

time-skip to middle school and phoebe and her family have moved to burgess  
>can it get any better? YES JUST TRY YOUR LUCK, PHOEBE<br>becomes friends with sophie while quietly loathing her existence like wow kid  
>babysat by jamie while darkly glaring at him and sophie when they look away<br>what an angelic child, smashing priceless porcelain dolls at grandma's, too

okay so finally she meets jack who's like "wow ur a cute kid" and she's like "fuck off"  
>except in less vile language and more of just a silent glare<br>jack is not deterred, he will win her over if it's the last snowball he freezes  
>then wow, look at that, puberty does things! imagINE THAT, PHOEBE.<br>phoebe's got boobs and jack wants them  
>jack is like "okay this is wrONG wait no I'm a teenage boy this is just fine"<br>but phoebe is like "fuCK SHIT FUCK I AM A GROWN MAN THIS IS NOT OKAY"  
>it's never gonna be okay just suck it up phoebe<p>

so jack is now focused on ~wooing~ phoebe and sophie thinks it's hilarious  
>jamie is just grateful it's not sophie in phoebe's place<br>trust me kid, you don't want your sister inhabited by pitch  
>so now jack has eterna-boner and he's not sure what to do<br>and phoebe's confused because jack is NOT charming thank you very much  
>and bunnymund is like "okay jack this is enough you can't date a mortal"<br>jack is rebellious teenager "WATCH ME" and north is like "bye have fun"  
>tooth is sad bc hey she likes jack cOME BACK JACK  
>sandy is suspicious because he knows something's up with phoebe<br>hint: it's not jack's boner

so pitch has his horror of "oh my god this is what seraphina went through"  
>conveniently followed by "okay but how is jack hot when he's so cold"<br>ultimately becoming "okay maybe it's time to cancel this plan"  
>you're sixteen years too late, pitch. six. fucking. teen. years.<br>so jack gets this bright idea when phoebe is particularly "down" (see: mad)  
>and now they're at the north pole and north is like "HAVE LOTS OF BABIES, YES?"<br>and bunnymund is just "no. north, focUS HERE."  
>north is like "okay but I have cookies, elves, and need more children to give presents."<br>bunnymund is not impressed.

at this point phoebe is like "okay yeah bye fairy girl you can haVE HIM BYE"  
>and jack is like "hold up tho u haven't met sandy"<br>sandy is gone. don't try it. he is not here to meet her.  
>phoebe just wants to gO HOME AND GET BACK HIS BODY<br>but jack is still hanging around and wow guess what  
>anger kiss<br>mwah that's called the start of a hatefuck relationship  
>congrats kids ur gonna go far<p>

okay but they're minors so there's no sex  
>except jack's an adult I guess so he'll just have to wait<br>good luck adjusting to two dicks, jack  
>moVING FORWARD WITH THE PLAN, PHOEBE IS FINALLY ALONE<br>obviously he sneaks out and heads to the location of his untimely demise  
>aka that god forsaken pond<br>aka jack's pond  
>welcome home, honey<br>but wow what's this it's thin ice? OH NO WHAT'LL HAPPEN?  
>bye phoebe ur going under<br>and jack is miserable like nO I WAS IN RUSSIA WHY DID YOU VISIT WHEN I WAS GONE  
>and pitch is like "okay yeah have fun mourning a shell bye"<p>

but while he's lamenting being a teenage girl he finds he has a boner  
>like what? where did that come from?<br>lo and behold, he's thinking about JACK FROST.  
>imagine that. u got it hard for jack.<br>so he's like "okay i can make this go away." (no u can't)  
>and jack tracks down pitch because he's like "YOU TOTALLY KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND"<br>jack u weren't dating it was unofficial just hate kisses  
>and then pitch is like "goddamnit jack can't u see i have a pROBLEM HERE"<br>jack wants nothing to do with your problem, pitch  
>pitch doesn't care, he tells jack he's gonna call it even if jack lEAVES HIM TO BE MISERABLE<p>

naturally, jack is confused. call what even? what?  
>pitch outlines the fact he was phoebe all along<br>jack gets mad but gUESS WHAT  
>s<br>and then jack flIES BACK LIKE WOAH WHAT I DIDN'T DO THAT  
>AND PITCH IS LIKE DAMN STRAIGHT THAT NEVER HAPPENED<br>so jack is like "okay calling it even now bYE"  
>jack never tells anyone phoebe was pitch bc he's still struggling with BONERLAND

so jack's got an icicle problem and pitch can't sheathe his sword  
>and sandy is still super suspicious and north is sad because no babies<br>bunnymund is like "i bet pitch is behind this"  
>jack gets suPER ODD LIKE "HAHAHAHHAHAH NOOOOO THAT'S SO WEIRRRD"<br>bunny is like "okay mate yeah sure u say that now"  
>north is like "WE GO DESTROY PITCH, YES?"<br>sandy is like no that's dumb don't go  
>but no one is paying attention except jack who sandy is like "i'm onto u"<br>sandy thinks jack is working with pitch  
>nooooot quite sandy<br>think more along the lines of "stay out of their dreams"

so bunny, north and tooth storm pitch's lair  
>and he's still dramatically lamenting his hateboner for jack<br>and he's like "okay I JUST kicked jack out can u please leave this is a bad time"  
>and they're like "yOU KILLED A KID"<br>and he's just "u mean me"  
>cue guardian confusion<br>nightmares are like "okay ur gonna go now"  
>lotsa black sand in places it doesn't belong<br>have fun getting that out of your feathers

so sandy and jack are having a staredown  
>and jack cracks and just blurts that he wants to fuck pitch<br>sandy's just "TMI THANKS BYE"  
>jack's like "SORRY OKAY THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME"<br>sandy doesn't want your boner puns, jack  
>jack didn't mean to make one but okay sorry sandy<br>suddenly north and the others are back  
>and sandy is like "okay now what did you kids learn today"<br>tooth is just "there is sand in places it doesn't belong"  
>sandy says that's close enough now go home and think about what u done<p>

jack can't go home tho because pitch is nearby  
>too awkward he's not ready for that<br>plus phoebe's funeral and he can't tell jamie and sophie their friend was the boogeyman  
>so he's like "okay so there's a rock and a hard place-"<br>sandy says jack what did i tell you about those puns  
>jack says he still didn't mean to make them but sorry again<br>north asks what's going on here and does jack need the talk?  
>jack shouts NO and absconds like any wise teenager would when faced with that<br>what's worse than your parents giving you the talk? santa claus giving you the talk.

so jack realizes him and pitch need to talk this out  
>at least he thinks they can talk it out? maybe he'll ask jamie for ducttape<br>and pitch is like "jack it's been a month i'm not talking to you"  
>jack's a smartass and tries to make a joke by saying "don't you love me?"<br>wow real smooth there old man winter  
>so now it's even worSE LIKE WOW OKAY BRING CUPID INTO THIS MESS<br>fyi cupid thinks this is fucking hilarious  
>so jack is like "why did u do that"<br>pitch is just "REVENGE?"  
>jack is like "okay but my heART"<br>"that looks like your dick to me but whatever you wanna call it" b/c pitch is onto him  
>but not physically. not yet.<p>

jack is inCREDIBLY FLUSTERED AND STARTS BABBLING AND TRYING TO COVER  
>and pitch is like "okay you're a teenager with hormones i get it now shut up"<br>and what does jack say? "MAKE ME" wow let's imagine what could go wrong here  
>everything<br>so pitch is like "FINE I CAN DO THAT" and wow that's a kiss for the record books  
>and jack is like "holy shit i think i'm melting"<br>it's okay jack you're eternally frozen u'll be okay  
>so wow hot makeout session and this time jack DOESN'T abscond<br>and pitch is like "okay that's actually not so bad"  
>jack is like "but am i an adult because this is really bad if i'm not"<br>pitch is like "you are it's been 300 years i think that's long enough"  
>jack is like "oh okay then but you're still really freaky"<br>pitch is just "thanks u don't know half of it"  
>did you know winter spirits can blush? they can. it happened.<p>

so then northern lights and jack is like "shIT THAT'S THE GUARDIANS"  
>and pitch is like "okay but you don't have/ to go"  
>jack is like "but who's gonna mess with the kangaroo?"<br>pitch points out they could stick him in a cage  
>jack says that's going too far<br>pitch says he meant jack but if he really doesnt want to-  
>jack is like o h<br>jack thinks it's a bad idea he needs to be taken to dinner first  
>pitch is like okay whether or not you meant to think out loud you don't eat?<br>jack says he eats snow  
>pitch is like okay but we're both pretty much DEAD?<br>jack says that's necrophilia and north says that's wrong  
>pitch says that's only if one of them is still alive<br>jack is like "oh i was severely misinformed"

pitch is like "yeah so come on don't go play with the kids"  
>jack is like what about when you were a kid<br>pitch is like we don't talk about that dark time  
>jack thinks that's hilarious because pitch is the nightmare king<br>pitch thinks it's NOT and should NOT be talked about  
>jack zips his lips but we all know he's not dropping it<p>

so jack doesn't show up to the meeting? super important?  
>and toothiana is like "oH NO JACK IS GONNNNE"<br>and bunnymund is like "good riddance"  
>north is like "okay but he is one of us we must RESCUE HIM"<br>sandy is trying to tell them he's probably off fucking pitch  
>nobody is listening and sandy is like "okay but i LIKE my eyesight"<br>so they're plannign to rescue jack? and baby tooth is like? okay but nightmares?  
>the toothfairies remember that well<br>they did not like being eaten  
>so they're like "ma we're not going b y e"<br>and babytooth goes to hide at jamie's place b/c wow no

and so in the meantime while toothiana is being omnipotent and shit  
>jack is probably losing clothing<br>f a s t  
>did you know nightmare sand can become hands and stuff? y e a h<br>so pitch is obviously taking GREAT pleasure in this  
>and so is jack it's not a one way street yknow<br>but before they can actually do the do there's a bIG EXPLOSION  
>jack just shouts "WOW THANKS BUNNY"<br>and bunnymund is confused like? how'd you know it was me?  
>wow bunny, who else uses explosions? nO ONNNNNE<p>

so tooth is like "wow holy shit jack in boxers"  
>she's gone g ye<br>bunny is like "okay sheila you nap on the ground then"  
>north is like "pitCH YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR"<br>pitch is like actually not yet he still has underwear on  
>jack regrets not going commando it would've gone faster<br>pitch thinks he can remedy that  
>north thinks pitch is doing mind control<br>hint: pitch can't. he's right in front of you.  
>so bunny is like "okay this is messed up. and tooth's nose is bleeding"<br>and jack is like "well yeah i didn't know you were voyeurs?"  
>pitch is like "tsktsk to think you guard children"<br>north is like "I CANNOT BELIEVE"

so sandy followed against his own better judgement and is just like "okay tooth nap time"  
>and tooth is unconscious now hOORAY ONE LESS VOYEUR?<br>she's gonna have "nightmares" for _weeks_  
>so north is like "saNDY HELP US SAVE JACK"<br>sandy is like nah that boy made his choice  
>jack is like thanks sandy ur a true friend<br>sandy is like yeah yeah keep it out of your dreams  
>pitch is like that's an easy fix<br>bunny is like "OKAY BUT THIS IS SO MESSED UP"  
>jack is like "yeah we covered that why are you still here"<br>north is like RESCUE?  
>jack is like "okay but this bondage shit is actually kinda hot?"<br>bunny's like okAY THAT'S ENOUGH WE'RE GOING HOME  
>jack is like nOPE STAYING HERE FUCKING THE NIGHTMARE KING<br>pitch is like hell yeah B]

north is still confused because reSCUE?  
>bunny is like okay sandy take north with you<br>sandy is gone tho he fled with tooth ur on ur own  
>north is offended he can RESCUE JACK HIMSELF<br>bunny is like okay i think we have to leaVE FIRST  
>north is like nO JACK HAS TO BE RESCUED<br>bunny is p sure this is not a rescue mission for jack now  
>he needs to rescue his SANITY<br>which obvs north has already lost  
>congrats pitch u broke santa claus<br>pitch is like thank i didn't even try

so bunny takes north and they leave like wow FINALLY  
>pitch is like "okay but that totally was a mood killer"<br>jack reminds him that dinner is TOTALLY an option  
>pitch thinks a cage is a better option<br>jack is like okay but why?  
>pitch is like "dinner and a show for me?"<br>jack is like yOU DON"T EAT?  
>pitch is like "fear tho"<br>jack is like "fuCK"  
>pitch is like "not yet"<p>

and so toothiana wakes up and she's like "tHAT WAS HORRIBLE"  
>and sandy is like "it was a bad dream u okay?"<br>and tooth is like "oH THANK GOD"

then bunny has north and north is unconscious courtesy of sandy  
>and bunny is still just like "okay but <em>why<em>"  
>and also debating beating up cupid like wHYYYYYY?<br>and so north is all tucked in snug to make sure he can't run  
>gotta strap down your old folks<br>never know where they'll wander off to  
>so bunny goes to see sandy who's like "shhhhhhhh"<br>and tooth is kinda hysterical  
>she's losing those GORGEOUS TEETH to PITCH BLACK<br>aka tooth decay ahahahhahahaha wow so funny  
>and bunny's like "okay but MIND CONTROL also jack sucks"<br>toothiana's like EXCUSE?  
>bunny says nothing it was the elves<br>elves are like "oh god no"

so in the mean time jack is like "okay even I'm getting cold now"  
>pitch is like you still have your briefs calm down<br>jack just wants a cushion to sit on at least  
>pitch says no it'll freeze anyway ur an ice spirit<br>jack is like touché bastard  
>pitch is like do i need to shut you up again?<br>jack says "no but yeS"  
>pitch is like wow this hormone thing is great<br>except he doeSN'T KNOW WHY HE;S STILL GOT A BONER  
>LIKE IT SHOULD BE GONE NOW HE HATE-MADE-OUT WITH JACK<br>jack is like "haha fuck you welcome to the world of homosexuality"  
>pitch is like NO ABSOLUTELY NOT<br>jack is like i could top you any day and you know it  
>pitch is like okay time for you to shut up again<br>jack is like you have to get me out and make me

guess what they totally fucked in the cage  
>better than wwe smackdown any day<p>

bonus time with cupid  
>he had nothing to do with this<br>but he totally had something to do with getting bunnymund with tooth  
>aka bunny is like "okay but she's like my SISTER"<br>and tooth being like "but you have great teeth hand them over"  
>except he kIND OF NEEDS THOSE?<br>so he redirects her to cupid and he's like "shit"  
>and tooth is like "I REMEMBER YOUR BABY TEETH you little bastard you never brushed"<p> 


End file.
